Last week I wrote a post entitled ‘Does getting married serve any purpose these days?’ With 70 + comments (and counting) from people either for or against marriage, it is truly fascinating to read all of the view points. This post generated a lot of buzz and rightfully so.
After all, relationships are what life is about. As Adriana says, “the best things in life are free but not many people realize that.”
Ironically, I never said whether I was for or against marriage. But I certainly don’t believe ‘it’s something you just do’ is a good enough reason. And as one reader said, “I do however think that it’s not a decision to make lightly. You need to be comfortable in your own skin and choose your partner out of love and respect, rather than convenience and security.”
Unfortunately, I think many people do just that. “Wow, we’re 30 years old, we’re dating…I guess we need to get married now…”
A lot of people (for marriage) kept saying ‘marriage is the ultimate commitment.’ It’s something you want to do for the other person because you love them so much.
I understand. I get it. But how do you know when you find the person?
Is there really such a thing as a soulmate? (I have to laugh because as I write this I feel like Carrie but it’s something I’m obviously intrigued by.)
I’m going to assume most people’s idealistic definition of a soulmate is that there is one person on this Earth that is meant for them. I’d love to think so.
Unfortunately, right off the bat, I’m going to have to disagree and here’s why:
I’m going to assume anyone that’s been in an ‘exclusive relationship’ with someone that’s no longer in the same relationship was really into it at one point. Even if it was just for a few months or weeks (or maybe even days) of being totally into that person. And even if the rest of the relationship was you tying to convince yourself that you were. Let’s face it – at one point you were very much into that person. Otherwise why bother?
Or, what if you met the person of your dreams? Your…’soulmate’? It was lust at first sight. (How can there be such a thing as love at first site anyway? It would only be your mind convincing yourself that you loved that person, no?)
But eventually they broke your heart.
I don’t think we should ever regret anything in our lives that has made us happy – at one point.
But we’ve all heard people when reflecting back on a break up, that they were initially distraught over, years later say, “That was the best thing that ever happened to me.” Again, your brilliant mind playing tricks on you – and rationalizing.
But thing is, it really may have been the best thing that ever happened to them. In their dark days they learned a heck a lot about themselves. But you can only get hurt by people who mean a great deal to you.
But then why do people always say, “How I dated that person is beyond me, what was I thinking?” Again, your mind partly rationalizing.
In reality, the only people who can truly believe in soulmates are those that truly believe they found their soulmates. But can’t that just be your mind convincing yourself that you did?
Adam – your last post did cause quite a riot. (It also took my to your business site – what you are doing is great.) I appreciate your questions, because I used to have the same ones.
You ask, “But how do you know when you find the person?”
This might be impossible to answer, all I can offer is my personal experience.
I used to think marriage was a sham. My own parents divorced when I was in college, and in fact, I was supportive that they do so. I was tired of seeing them so miserable. (I wouldn’t feel the same way today.)
I had a number of bad relationships, and I had a number of good relationships, but I never felt I had met the person I could marry, convinced that I would never be sure they were “the one.”
Until I met my husband. I had gotten so sick of dating, I decided to give up and try to start a band, since music was something I knew I loved. I met Mike, and we started playing out and recording together. We were good friends first, and spent a ton of time together on a platonic level. He saw me muddle through a number of dating disasters before he finally asked me out.
I guess the biggest difference w/ him was that we made a genuine connection that was not initally based on lust, but on mutually shared interests. We just loved being together – and we eventually wondered why it took us so long to figure out that’s what “love” was to us.
I don’t know how anyone else can find their soulmate, and I’ve often thought that there are many soulmates for each person, but you can be separated by time, distance, or miscommunication. I guess that with Mike – it just clicked.
Over the weekend, your post made me think about my marriage. I asked Mike why he thought we were such a good match, he said, “It’s because we connect on every level of human interaction. We are great friends, we share the same interests and values, and we can be romantic and intimate.”
So, people just need to find someone like that of their own…easier said than done I suppose.
Milena – Thanks so much for your take. I agree with everything you said. Unfortunately, like you said, much easier said than done.
Also, good for you on finding someone that you believe is “the one”!